When It's Time to Deal With Stressful Conflict

There are times in life when we have no choice but to deal with a serious conflict situation. There may be several reasons why we find ourselves faced with a stressful issue that cannot be ignored or walked away from. There may have been a major difference of opinion, a perceived wrong-doing or we're feeling vulnerable and have reacted in an especially sensitive or vulnerable way during an emotionally charged exchange. Whatever the reason, it can result in a very stressful time.

Feelings can run high as things that may usually be ignored or hardly noticed find themselves being added to our mental checklist and becoming another cause of distress. And so we can find ourselves feeling increasingly angry, hurt, disappointed and ever more stressed. Might it be useful to look at the reasons for the conflict and explore what the real, underlying issues might be?

Hints for when it's time to deal with stressful conflict;

- Start by itemising what your grievances really are. Initially we may want to list a mountain of examples which, when we pause for reflection, aren't as overwhelming as was first perceived. They may boil down to one or two key items which can help identify what the real underlying issues are. Often feeling ignored, disrespected, not listened to, taken for granted feature high on many lists.

- Might aspects of the situation be down to you? Perhaps someone has put your nose out of joint, your ego has been hurt or there are genuine comments which warrant your consideration. Maybe you really do have valid reasons for feeling aggrieved. But it's often the case that half of the list is relatively trivial or is an extension of one bigger, core issue.

- Be empathic and try to see the other person's viewpoint. They're not a bad person, that's why you became friendly with them in the first place. So it's highly unlikely that they're taking pleasure in being evil or malevolent. Is it worth going through what's happened and discussing it with family and friends to gain a third-party's perspective? In doing that it's important to remain as factual as possible, as you outline your experience of the problem.

- Pick your key points of dissent, the really important matters you feel need to be raised when you decide to sort out the conflict. It's vital to keep details as simple and uncomplicated as possible and aim to manage stress by keeping emotions in check. Otherwise discussions can get lost amongst a deluge of claims, counter-claims, justifications and excuses. Be ready to listen to some tough truths about yourself too; after all, the other person will have their own perspective of you and your role in the conflict.

- Be clear as to your choice of location, where you're prepared to meet. A neutral place can be less stressful and help you keep better control of yourself. For example, some people prefer not to discuss contentious matters at home or at work. Have suggestions as to when and where you'd feel most comfortable discussing matters. A public place can be good, as having other people around can ensure a more restrained conversation. Sometimes it can be good to introduce a third-party referee who asks questions and keeps the discussion on track.

- Commit to really listen as the other person speaks. Demonstrate that you're listening through positive body language, reflecting back what's been said and keeping your general demeanour interested and alert. It may be that they're completely in the dark as to your level of upset, have no idea what you're talking about. They may regard the whole thing as a storm in a teacup. Consider how you'll react if you get this response. Could it be that you're being over-sensitive, or could it be a symptom of how stressed you are? Is the other person being difficult or are they exceptionally thick-skinned?

- When there are grievances it's important to try to understand the full picture. As a relationship counsellor I'm often amazed at how two people can recount exactly the same facts and yet have two totally different interpretations of what happened and how it affected them. Listen to what the other person has to say without interruption or second-guessing and try to really appreciate their reasons for feeling the way they do.

- Decide at the outset what would be a good result for you. Do you want to heal the relationship or has it now stopped working for you and you're fine about ending it completely? Could there be occasions when you may need to meet socially or might you have to continue working together because of business or family connections? Are you able to be polite and cordial on those occasions? Consider what the best, most effective outcome would be for you and how to achieve that result.

Deciding to deal with conflict is often far less stressful than leaving it to simmer away, causing unhappy undercurrents. Conflict rarely goes away of its own accord. By determining in advance what you want and need in order to resolve the matter helps you feel clearer, more in control and able to work towards achieving the most positive outcome for everyone involved.

Susan Leigh, counsellor, hypnotherapist, relationship counsellor, writer & media contributor offers help with relationship issues, stress management, assertiveness and confidence. She works with individual clients, couples and provides corporate workshops and support.