How to Deal With a Difficult Relationship With Our Mother or Father

Sometimes our relationship with our parents can become strained. We may feel that we are unloved, that another brother or sister is favoured more than us, or there may be a specific reason, perhaps an argument, that has resulted in a subsequent estrangement.

It can be difficult to reconcile ourselves to the fact that are parents are just like anyone else, that they are human. They are equally as prone to anger, jealousy, resentment as other people are. But finding ways to accept and come to terms with perceived unreasonable or difficult behaviour from a mother or father can be very difficult to deal with.

Let's look at some ways to deal with a difficult relationship with our mother or father:

- A letter can be a useful way of trying to resolve a conflict situation with a parent. It allows the writer the opportunity to take as much time as required to consider everything they need to say and want to explain. It can be written and rewritten as many times as is necessary, until the writer is satisfied with the content. Then the recipient can keep it to read at their leisure, take their time to think about their response, consider their options.

- Even writing a letter and choosing not to send it can be cathartic. The feelings and emotions, anger and despair can be put down on paper, explained and worked through. Sometimes the act of writing a letter can be enough, but for some people symbolically burning the letter, throwing it out to sea in a bottle or burying it somewhere of especial significance is a way of finally ridding themselves of their negative feelings like guilt, anger or distress.

- A person acting as a mediator can sometimes help to find compromise in difficult relationships. It is important to find someone who is mutually acceptable, who is fair and balanced, who is not personally invested in the outcome of the deliberations. A father may feel under pressure if mother is involved in trying to resolve issues. Sometimes a family friend or business colleague, or perhaps a close neighbour may be seen as a reasonable compromise. The role of mediator is to keep the discussions on a positive track, to try to maintain honest and respectful communications and to move the relationship forward.

- A neutral place, perhaps somewhere public, may be a good choice for the first face to face discussion, especially if it is just the two of you meeting for the first time since the relationship collapsed. Meeting in a public place offers external distractions as well as helping to keep emotions in check and ensure an element of good manners and civility.

- There may be some merit in contriving to meet your estranged mother or father by 'accident'. Discovering her or his movements, maybe ending up in the same place and being able to say 'hello' or even suggest stopping for a coffee may offer a light touch in starting to break the ice.

- But ultimately we may have to accept that our mother or father has his or her own reasons for not being able to resume the relationship at this point in time. We may have to come to terms with the fact that there is nothing we can do to heal the rift and, for now, we have no choice but to walk away. Keeping in contact with other family members is a good way to keep future options open, but we may have to reconcile ourselves to the estrangement, for the time being at least.

Counselling and hypnotherapy can play a valuable role in helping us to understand and deal with our own emotions and sense of loss at this time; the grief, distress and perhaps guilt at what has happened. It can help us to view the situation from a healthier perspective and move forward in a more balanced way, learning to take care of ourselves in the process.